Monday, February 19, 2007

My Sexual Orientation

Some time ago, the mainstream media came up with a new slang word to describe heterosexual men who nevertheless were in touch with their "feminine sides". They were called "metrosexuals".

The "metrosexual" man was described as a person who spent a lot of money on ridiculously expensive designer clothing, and sometimes on completely unnecessary salon treatments designed to eliminate body hair and make the guy look like he never went through puberty.

Most "metrosexuals" were decidedly narcissistic and materialistic. And even though we were told over and over again that metrosexual men were straight, they were, at the very least, somewhat envious of gay men. Such men sometimes went on TV shows like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" in order to get fashion advice. They undoubtedly got great advice, if their objective was to learn how to dress in such a way as to attract gay men. But if that was the case, I have to wonder if they were really straight after all.

When it comes to the issue of fashion, it should be clear that I'm no metrosexual. I tend to buy a minimum of clothing (usually at places such as Marshalls or Filenes Basement or Penneys), and then I wear it until I'm at risk of embarrassing myself because the things have become so threadbare that folks may think I get my clothing out of a dumpster. I guess it's the ex-hippie in me. (Or rather, the ex-Jesus freak.) I still remember a time when it was considered cool to wear blue jeans with fringe on the cuffs and lots of patches on them. Back then, materialism was considered to be decidedly uncool. Rich kids even went out of their way to dress as if they were poor kids. My, how things have changed.

I do concede that I probably could attract more women if I'd spend a little more money on my own clothes. But my income is very limited. If given a choice regarding how to spend my money, I'd rather spend it on books or computer gear or music gear or magazines or art supplies or office supplies or food or rent or basic transportation. Clothes are a necessity of life, but I prefer to spend as little time thinking about clothes as possible.

So like I said, I definitely am not a "metrosexual". But hey, never let it be said that I'm not trendy. I don't follow trends. I start them. I'm coming out tonight, baby!

What's my sexual orientation? I'm a retrosexual. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not the only one.

Now, I'm sure that you know that "retro" is a term which is often used to describe old or vintage things. Like clothing from the secondhand clothing store. Or little things, like morals, that now seem to be going the way of the dinosaur.

A retrosexual isn't interested in sex outside of marriage. A retrosexual knows that fornication is self-centered and immature. A retrosexual knows that adultery is not only self-centered and immature, but also extremely destructive to families. (And no, I am not referring to those random collections of people liberals like to call "families". I'm talking about real, genetically related nuclear families in which no one has to go on the Maury Povitch Show in order to find out "who's the daddy". In a family comprised of retrosexuals, everyone knows who the daddy is, since the mommy and the daddy have never slept with anyone other than one another.)

A retrosexual is in possession of something which is considered in liberal circles to be obsolete. A retrosexual possesses self-control.

It isn't that the retrosexual wouldn't like to have sex. A retrosexual is not asexual. In the context of marriage, a retrosexual would very likely be an enthusiastic participant in the sexual act. But a retrosexual believes that God does in fact know a thing or two about the difference between healthy sexual relations and unhealthy sexual relations. The retrosexual knows that there are much worse things than self-denial.

A retrosexual knows that sex is supposed to be an act of love, not an athletic contest. A retrosexual has no interest in trying to compete with other men in terms of sexual expertise, for the simple reason that a retrosexual has no interest in marrying a woman who would be in a position to compare his lovemaking techniques with the lovemaking techniques of all of the many other men she has slept with.

A retrosexual does not envy or admire James Bond when it comes to sex. A retrosexual knows that such a Playboy lifestyle might seem superficially appealing at one point, but there will come a time when James will pay a price for his self indulgence.

A retrosexual has learned to be comfortable with the gender he was assigned at birth. A retrosexual has no desire to be the other gender. A retrosexual has no desire to dress or act as if he or she belongs to the other gender. A retrosexual has no desire to have sex with anyone who does not belong to the other gender. A retrosexual is not necessarily perfect. A retrosexual may have even experienced a brief period in his life when he flirted with one of these other "alternative lifestyles". But that is long in the past. A retrosexual is not too proud to ask for forgiveness and receive healing.

A retrosexual may have reached the age of 50 without ever "getting any". But a retrosexual is O.K. with that, because he understands that even though sex would be nice to experience, there are numerous negative consequences when people ignore God's advice pertaining to sexuality. A retrosexual is thrilled to be able to say that there is virtually no chance that he has ever contracted an STD or passed such a disease on to anyone else. A retrosexual has no guilt about having fathered a child he could not or would not take care of. A retrosexual remembers how painful his own parents' divorce was, and he feels extremely fortunate to have been spared the pain (and considerable expense) of divorce from a wife of his own.

A retrosexual can remember a time, not so long ago, when a rainbow was seen as a sign given by God to Noah in order to seal a promise that God would never again destroy the earth --- not as a sign that God was a senile old man who didn't care what people did in the bedroom.

A retrosexual knows that there will come a time when his sexuality is a moot point for all practical purposes. Eventually, provided that people live long enough, they all turn into nomosexuals, either because they're no longer physically able to have sex, or it just doesn't interest them anymore. (For the record, a "nomosexual" is someone who "doesn't get no mo' sex". It's a little joke of mine, rather like the term "retrosexual".)

When his life on earth is over, a retrosexual wants to be able to look back on his life without embarrassment, guilt or shame, knowing that even though he wasn't perfect, he made a strong effort to obey God in matters pertaining to sexuality.

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