If you haven't guessed by now from reading the posts I've written to this blog, I love a good debate. Some people seem to get "writer's block" and freeze up at the very thought of having to put their thoughts down on paper or the electronic equivalent of paper. Not me.
The trouble is that my enjoyment of writing long and highly detailed analyses of various issues can be a real distraction from tasks I need to accomplish in order to address my own material need for sustenance. This is particularly true when temptation is as close as my laptop computer, and when the interactive nature of the Web offers me far more opportunities to express myself than I would otherwise have.
About a month ago, I lost my job as an administrative assistant. I've mentioned that before in this blog. I've been seeking work since then, but so far, nothing. My finances are dwindling day by day. Even if I got hired today for a full-time job, which seems highly unlikely, I'd probably only have one paycheck in-between now and December 1 when the rent is due. That rent is a mere $404, but I still need to feed myself and pay other expenses, such as my CTA pass, food, laundry, my ISP bill (so that I can continue to send out resumes via e-mail) and so forth. So there's a big question in my mind regarding whether or not I'm going to be able to pay my rent on time in December. It seems highly unlikely at this point.
Whenever one goes without work long enough that it begins to pose a serious threat to one's ability to do such basic things as paying the rent on time, guilt becomes a factor. Questions begin to knaw through one's brain. Did I do enough today? Is the fact that I still haven't found work my fault? Does the fact that I keep going through these types of crises mean that I'm a total loser? Questions like that. It can begin to negatively affect one's emotional well-being in a serious way. Nerves become frayed, and phrases such as "fear factor" take on a whole new meaning. I went through a similar experience a couple of years ago, and now it seems that I'm going through it all over again.
My conscience tells me that nearly every waking second should be spent applying for jobs or working in some other capacity to alleviate this situation, but I sometimes get distracted by such things as responding to e-mail messages about matters which are of passionate interest to me. (When one loses a job, one doesn't just suddenly become a whole different person. It isn't easy for me to just turn my interests on and off like a light switch.)
But I just can't afford to keep doing that. I realized that after spending a long time last night writing a very long response to a comment on a blog I'd written about evolution. Before I knew it, it was 2:00 in the morning and I still hadn't gone to bed. The response I posted may or may not have been sufficiently lucid and intelligent, I don't know. Maybe it was good for me to do what I did by writing it. But I just can't do that anymore. My financial survival is currently in jeopardy, and that has to be my top priority.
Therefore, this blog is being written and posted in order to announce that for the time being, I am turning off the Comments feature in this blog, not because I want to censor anyone, but because responding to such comments is too much of a distraction from the many things I'm going to have to do in order to deal with this crisis in which I find myself.
If anyone reading this should feel so inclined to do so, I would appreciate it if you would pray for me. I could really use it. I could really use some tangible financial help, too. It seems unlikely, though, that I will get such material help from anyone. My experiences in the past have not been very positive in that regard. Getting anyone to do more than offer kind words of encouragement is like pulling teeth. Kind words of encouragement are appreciated, of course, but they won't pay the bills, so they won't really relieve the stress I'm feeling right now.
Well, God will take care of my somehow. I have to keep believing that. But there are times in my life, like right now, when such faith doesn't come easily to me.