Monday, May 14, 2007

Slandering The Almighty

The following story was inspired by a story I recently read on the Web courtesy of MSNBC.

John and Larry were next door neighbors. Over a period of time, they'd become very good friends. Larry was a bit eccentric in some respects, but John thought he had gotten used to Larry's strange ways.

Nevertheless, John was shocked one day when he looked out his front window. Larry was standing next to the curb. His pants were unzipped, and he was peeing on the fire hydrant.

John walked outside the house and approached Larry. "Larry, what do you think you're doing?"

"Peeing on the fire hydrant, John," said Larry.

"I can see that," said John. "Why are you peeing on the hydrant, Larry?"

"I'm not going to live in denial any longer," said Larry.

"Denial? Denial of what?" asked John.

"My inner dog," said Larry.

"Your WHAT?" asked John.

"My inner dog, "repeated Larry.

It was then that John noticed that Larry was wearing a leather dog collar and a dog tag. Larry finished his business and zipped up his pants. Then he said, "Turn around, John."

"Turn around? What for?" asked John.

"So I can greet you properly and thereby fulfill my doggie instincts," said Larry. "I want to sniff your behind."

"Oh, for crying out loud, Larry," cried John. "This silly charade has gone on long enough, and if you sniff my behind, I will most assuredly kick yours."

"Arf," yelled Larry. "Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf!"

"Stop that," commanded John. "You're not a dog, you're a man."

"Wrong," said Larry. "I just look like a man to you. But I now know what I never realized before. God made a mistake. He took my brain and put it into the body of a human being, but really, I'm a dog."

"What a ridiculous claim," said John.

"Ridiculous? Then explain why I've always liked to play frisbee. Explain why I hate vegetables. Explain why I always used to love to hang my head out of the car window when dad was driving the car."

"You are not a dog," said John. "Repeat after me: I am not a dog, I am not a dog, I am not a dog."

"Am so," said Larry.

"Tell me this," said John. "Why have you never claimed to be a dog before now? I know you've always liked dogs, but you've never claimed to be a dog."

"I discovered my true self when I went to a recent meeting for transspeciesed individuals such as myself," said Larry. "It was liberating. I'd always tried to deny it before, but I finally embraced my inner dog, and it was wonderful. Want a Milk Bone? Try it, you'll like it."

"No thanks," said John. "I think I'll stick to steak."

"Steak's good, too," said Larry. "But it won't make your teeth shiny white."

"Larry," said John, "have you ever heard of toothpaste and toothbrushes?"

"Dog," said Larry. "Remember, I must respect my inner dog."

"Larry, have you looked in a mirror lately?" asked John. "Does the image in the mirror look like a dog to you?"

"Of course not," said Larry. "Don't be silly."

"Well," said John, "if you don't look like a dog, then what makes you think that you are a dog?"

"Well, John, it all started when you got to talking to me about your girlfriend Mary. You know, the woman who used to be a man before she got that sex change operation. Mary claimed that when she was a guy named Marty, she felt out of place and confused. She just knew that deep inside she was meant to be a woman, not a man. So she found a surgeon who agreed with her and the next thing she knew, she had altered her anatomy so that it would conform with her vision of her true self."

"So what does that have to do with this situation?" asked John.

"Well, I figure that if God is such an incompetent creator that he would put a woman's brain inside of a man's body, what's to stop him from putting a dog's brain inside of a man's body? Arf, arf," said Larry.

"I see what you mean," said John.

"Want to come and watch the game?" asked Larry.

"I'll bring the Milk Bones," said John.

The Moral of The Story:
  1. If you think that you know better than God what gender of body you ought to have been given when you were born, then you need a lesson in humility.
  2. Believing something doesn't automatically make it so. Beliefs which fly in the face of the evidence are delusional.
  3. It is a sad, sad person who cannot accept himself or herself for what he or she is.
  4. Surgery can change a person's physical appearance, but God sees us as God originally made us to be. Surgery can make a man look like a woman. Surgery cannot turn a man into a woman.

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